“‘不’是一个完整的句子。”
内容
- 分析师性格类型：建筑师 (INTJ)、逻辑学家 (INTP)、指挥官 (ENTJ)、辩论家 (ENTP)
- 外交官性格类型：倡导者 (INFJ)、调解员 (INFP)、主角 (ENFJ)、活动家 (ENFP)
- 哨兵性格类型：后勤人员 (ISTJ)、防御者 (ISFJ)、执行者 (ESTJ)、执政官 (ESFJ)
- 探险家性格类型：艺术大师 (ISTP)、冒险家 (ISFP)、企业家 (ESTP)、艺人 (ESFP)
达成共识：基础定义
界限大致就是在说：“这是我的。我很重视它，因为我尊重我自己。”布琳·布朗对界限的定义很简单，但可能更准确，就是“什么可以，什么不可以。”
我们的话题是恋爱中的性格类型和界限。因此，请记住，性格理论是我们最终要追求的目标，让我们首先奠定基础，这样我们就知道我们在谈论的是同一件事。
“等一下。恋爱关系中需要界限吗？”您可能会问。“我的意思是，爱情不是可以消除障碍的需要吗？”相信两个人相遇、相爱并天衣无缝地融为一体——字面上，两个人合二为一，这是一种异想天开的想法。
界限是流动的东西，会根据我们和谁在一起而改变。我们期望处于浪漫关系中的两个人比工作中的熟人有更开放的“边界”。联系和妥协是爱情关系的一部分，比任何其他关系都更重要。然而，在爱情关系中，个性仍然存在。因此，虽然合伙人坚持维持界限的地方可能较少，但界限对于合伙人个人的成长仍然很重要。双方如何巧妙地协商边界，往往是关系共同发展的关键。
我们大多数人都明白，虽然共同利益很重要，但仍然涉及两个截然不同的个人，每个人都有各自的担忧。在人际关系中，两个人之间的事情有时可能会在不应该重叠的地方重叠。如果界限不明确，紧张局势可能会加剧，并给情侣带来不必要的障碍。学会在关系中驾驭个性的界限对于和谐至关重要。
让我们推测一下边界如何根据性格类型发挥作用。
如果您不知道自己的性格类型，请参加我们的免费测试，看看您拥有哪些特质。
这些数字可能会因谈论该主题的人而异，但人们基本上可以通过六种方式侵犯个人界限：
情感或感受：当某人侵入一个人的情感空间时，就会发生这种情况，方法是在他们准备好谈论手头的问题之前迫使他们分享自己的感受，或者通过无理的反对或对人的其他侮辱来造成情感痛苦。
身体上的：您认识那个一直碰着您肩膀、站得太近以至于让您感到不舒服的人吗？是的。这是违反物理边界的行为。它可以像进入某人的私人空间一样简单，也可以像任何形式的不必要的身体接触（无论是深情的、暴力的还是其他任何形式）一样极端。
知识分子：当人们因自己的想法和想法而受到贬低或不尊重时，就会发生这种侵犯。健康且受欢迎的批评并不违反界限，尽管如果感觉涉及权力游戏，人们可能需要小心。这可能是一种偷偷摸摸的违规行为。
时间表或时间：这种违规行为是指一个人坚持浪费另一个人的时间。
性：任何不受欢迎的性接触，包括暗示性评论、眼神或触摸，都是这种边界侵犯的标志。
材料：当有人未经许可触摸个人的物品时，就会发生材料违规。极端的物质边界侵犯可能包括损坏个人财产和盗窃。
虽然任何这些边界侵犯都可能发生在恋爱关系中，但情感和智力上的侵犯更有可能是带来最大麻烦的罪魁祸首。 （参见浪漫冲突：四骑士和四种人格类型组。）
为了进一步细化主题，我们可以通过三种方式对边界进行分类：
健康的界限是指一个人可以控制自己的个人空间，并在需要时拥有足够强大的界限，同时又足够灵活，可以在适当的时候让其他人进入。当他们想要拒绝某个请求时，他们会很自在地拒绝。他们有足够的自信来保护和保存在各个层面上属于他们的东西。当事情对他们有利时，他们会保持灵活性并轻松地改变自己的界限，但这应该反映出成长而不是屈服。
A porous boundary is when someone “leaks” too many of the things that they should cherish and protect or lets too many things in that may not benefit them. Metaphorically, they open their doors to too many people too freely. If they are sharing something that needs to stay private, even one person who receives too much information becomes “too many people.” Someone who overshares on social media is a good example.
People with porous boundaries often do things not because they want to but because they don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings by declining a request. They might find themselves almost incapacitated because a friend is going through rough times – it’s almost like they can’t distinguish between their feelings and desires and those of someone else.
A rigid boundary is all about control and not wanting anyone to see one’s flaws and weaknesses. Consequently, people with rigid boundaries profoundly limit the number of other people they “let in.” In a romantic relationship, they may not let their partner in enough. The fear of showing vulnerability can prevent growth and healthy relationships. Black-and-white thinking is sometimes a side effect of keeping control: control is easier to keep if it’s broken down into good and bad or some other simplistic set of choices. There is no middle ground.
Nobody sits in only one of the three categories without ever venturing into the other two. A lot depends on the situation and the other people involved.
A person might put up rigid boundaries in a new dating situation and curate what the potential romantic partner sees. (For example, saying they have no opinion on a subject when they do, but they fear revealing their position because it might not be what their date wants to hear.) Simultaneously, their boundary may have a few porous spots if they are people pleasers and feel that they want to gratify their date. (For instance, agreeing to go for sushi when they hate sushi, but their new date loves it.)
The Interplay of Traits and Boundaries
With personality study, some sweeping generalizations about traits might be reasonably made. For example, people with the Introverted and Judging personality traits might be more susceptible to rigid boundaries. On the other hand, those with the Extraverted and Prospecting personality traits may be more susceptible to the more open, porous boundaries. These tendencies spring out of too much or too little of something and are determined by degrees. Here are a few thoughts on how traits may sometimes play a role with boundaries:
- Introverted people may be more comfortable closing themselves off from others, and if this tendency is excessive, they may do so rigidly.
- Judging personality types may regard too much feedback from others as endangering their sense of a set order to things – best to close the gates rather than let disruptors in.
- Extraverts draw energy from others, and if this gets too extreme, they may let too many other people into places where privacy might be more appropriate.
- Prospecting personality types are open to many things, including the ideas or attitudes of others, and they may be less concerned about others disrupting the order of things. The reverse can also be true when Prospecting types overshare the many things happening in their lives.
This doesn’t mean that each trait is confined to only one type of boundary. Extraverts can possess rigid boundaries in their own fashion, for example. But the fundamental characteristics of the trait suggest that those who possess it might lean one way or another.
What about You?
But that’s enough foundation building. Let’s talk about you.
This article aims to explore the various boundary issues that might be bothersome for each personality type. We’ll briefly examine what healthy, porous, and rigid boundaries for each type might look like when a loving relationship is present.
As with many things, personality may have a significant influence on boundaries, but other factors are also at play. Life is more complex, and that complexity doesn’t allow putting all the weight of boundaries on personality alone. So, if a description doesn’t resonate, no worries – these are generalizations based solely on what influence might come from a particular constellation of personality traits. So, as they say, your mileage may vary.
Love, Boundaries, and Boundary Issues
Analyst Personality Types
Architect (INTJ)
- Healthy: Individual Architects with healthy boundaries are strong enough in their many opinions not only to stand firm when their partner may not understand or approve – but also to respect their significant other even when they disagree. They’re comfortable standing on their own and being part of a couple simultaneously. They are also flexible enough to change their plans if their partner makes a compelling case against a direction that they are headed in.
- Porous: Architects’ boundaries are likely to be most porous when it comes to offering advice that their partner hasn’t asked for or providing insights too readily. Also, playing with various ideas, Architects may offer their thoughts freely without telling their significant other that their musings are not a real option but simply an intellectual exercise.
- Rigid: Like their healthy boundaries, Architects’ more rigid boundaries also have them standing on their own, not so much from a confident and assertive place but more from a defensive place. They are likely to hold their cards extremely close to avoid anybody questioning their hand. Collaboration is avoided at all costs when their borders are closed.
Logician (INTP)
- Healthy: Logicians’ boundaries are healthiest when people with this personality type protect their right to explore without apology, even when their partner doesn’t understand them. And yet, if their significant other requires a more structured direction in their life, Logicians with healthy boundaries remain respectful of their partner’s needs. They also understand that not everything needs to be said and choose their words with attention to the feelings and interests of the person they love.
- Porous: Logician personalities’ boundaries are most porous when they shoot their discoveries and knowledge at their partner in rapid-fire succession. This flooding of information is especially grievous if their goal is to get their loved one to appreciate how clever they are. They may also have trouble deciding on or sticking to any boundaries at all. Such vacillation can cause confusion and anxiety as their partner struggles to find their way around the Logician’s borders.
- Rigid: Boundaries are most rigid when Logicians live up to their reputation of being eccentric loners. When they go into themselves and don’t let others into their world, they are likely missing out on valuable stuff. That reality is probably multiplied when what they are missing out on are the gifts brought by a loving relationship.
Commander (ENTJ)
- Healthy: Commanders’ boundaries are healthiest when they allow people with this personality type to interact with others in an intelligent and organized manner. This also permits them to be flexible and respectful enough of others. There may be a “take charge” mindset, but it’s reasonable and welcomes ample input from their partner.
- Porous: The word “overbearing” may best describe Commanders with porous boundaries. If they are leaking their imperatives all over the relationship, it can be overwhelming for their partner – especially if their partner isn’t feeling heard.
- Rigid: Commanders with rigid boundaries won’t have the flexibility necessary for a relationship where a healthy give-and-take is valued by the other partner. With rigid boundaries, the “take charge” mindset leaves a reasonable attitude behind in favor of dictatorial and demanding stances. Such a stance is likely to turn off all but the most passive partner.
Debater (ENTP)
- Healthy: Debaters with healthy boundaries share their best ideas with their partner and remain open to their partner’s ideas. They can regulate their impulse to deconstruct and “fix” any ideas that their partner shares, showing respect and love instead.
- Porous: “Unrelenting” is the word that comes to mind for Debaters with porous boundaries. Expressing an opinion about everything can exhaust a partner who is virtually a captive audience.
- Rigid: Debaters with rigid boundaries have little tolerance for anything that doesn’t align with their opinions. The give-and-take of a romantic relationship can become either tense or nonexistent.
Diplomat Personality Types
Advocate (INFJ)
- Healthy: Individual Advocates who possess healthy boundaries live up to the tolerance that they like to believe is an essential part of who they are. When boundaries are well balanced, Advocate personalities maintain and protect their convictions. They are also careful with their opinions and voice them judiciously, and they listen carefully to their partner’s thoughts. They respect their significant other regardless of whether they agree or disagree.
- Porous: Advocate personality types can be preachy when their boundary floodgates are open, and a partner may have limited capacity to listen to nonstop sermons. Advocates may leave little space for their significant other’s voice among the many moral lectures.
- Rigid: Individual Advocates who maintain unyielding boundaries may close themselves off from their partner and ponder solitary thoughts instead of speaking their mind. When they decide to share their convictions, they may provide little room for debate, leaving their significant other believing that their own ideas and actions are insignificant.
Mediator (INFP)
- Healthy: A Mediator with healthy boundaries knows what keeps them feeling safe. When these personalities are in a strong space, they are assertive enough to draw a line when something feels overwhelming or potentially painful. They know how to send their partner clear messages about the things to which they may be sensitive. They share enough to create an intense bond but not so much that they monopolize the conversation with the things that trigger them.
- Porous: The word that comes to mind for Mediators with porous boundaries is “unedited.” All their sensitivities and emotions live near the surface when their boundaries lack rigor. They become so reactive that their partner may feel like they have no choice but to walk on eggshells constantly.
- Rigid: Mediator personalities are likely more rigid when they withdraw rather than sharing their concerns and sensitivities in an appropriate manner. They may choose to suffer in silence rather than confide in their partner. A Mediator’s silence can cause a bigger rift than this caring type would ever want.
Protagonist (ENFJ)
- Healthy: Protagonists with healthy boundaries share in the truest sense of the word. They not only give of themselves but they also reasonably expect that their significant other will return the favor. However, their expectations of their partner are realistic, and Protagonists strive to ensure that both partners are clear about what they can expect from each other.
- Porous: Protagonist personality types have porous boundaries when they can’t separate their partner’s problems and feelings from their own, and they may fail to protect their own interests or preserve their energy and well-being. Or, on the other side of the same coin, a Protagonist with weak boundaries may sometimes be too pushy trying to be helpful. They may not know when to back down. They may also be unable to let their significant other solve their problems in their own way.
- Rigid: Unilaterally formed assumptions could be the brick and mortar of a Protagonist’s rigid border wall. If their Judging personality trait is too dominant, they may assume that they hold the key to what is real and right and expect their partner to fall in line, presuming that there’s no need for a discussion.
Campaigner (ENFP)
- Healthy: Healthy boundaries for Campaigner individuals might include creating clearly defined borders that still honor their flexible and somewhat freewheeling nature. These personalities can enjoy and connect with their partner through their adventurous spirit and have a sense of when to put the lid on their expectations and people-pleasing.
- Porous: Campaigners may sometimes be too quick to give in to the whims and wishes of their partner. They may wish to please them or avoid making waves. Their own criteria for boundaries may change too often to communicate accurately and consistently to their partner what they will and will not allow in their lives.
- Rigid: Campaigners have a complex balance between their need and want for independence and their sensitivity. Rigidity can look like extreme independence one moment and, paradoxically, a perfectionism designed to try to be all that they believe (rightly or wrongly) that their partner wants and needs them to be the next. Either one of these can take on an uncompromising flavor and leave the person they love outside of the decision-making.
Sentinel Personality Types
Logistician (ISTJ)
- Healthy: Logisticians with healthy boundaries recognize how to protect their need for privacy and are assertive about this need. However, their need for being on their own is likely balanced with respect for their partner’s need to be aware of what is happening and their need to have the Logistician’s attention and presence. Logisticians’ healthy boundaries are flexible enough to enable them to realize when to stand firm and when to compromise in their interactions with their significant other.
- Porous: The key phrase here is “unsolicited and unnecessary opinions.” Sometimes saying less is the most effective response in life, but Logisticians likely abandon that principle with porous boundaries. An old self-help phrase goes, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?” This saying may come in handy for Logisticians who are in relationships and are prone to porous boundaries.
- Rigid: Logisticians may be one of the personality types most susceptible to rigid boundaries. Their Introverted, Thinking, and Judging traits may make it hard for them to let others in or to let much of themselves out. A romantic partner may not feel welcome to make suggestions or express opinions in a relationship where the Logistician maintains strict boundaries.
Defender (ISFJ)
- Healthy: Healthy boundaries for Defenders protect these personalities while also protecting the values and people important to them. Defenders with well-adjusted boundaries resist their tendency to be internal, and they promote the idea that each partner contributes to the decision-making and direction of the relationship. Values are also mutually explored with their partner. By the same token, when necessary, Defenders stand firm on their principled diligence for themselves as individuals, without necessarily demanding that their partner mimic them.
- Porous: When Defender personalities are sold on something or someone outside of their relationship, they can become overly passionate and loyal. If their partner is not of the same mind, the Defender may vigorously defend the object of their fidelity, whether or not the defense is necessary. Such a defense can cause tension for no reason at all. For example: harping on a political candidate despite knowing that their partner isn’t a supporter.
- Rigid: Defenders’ boundaries may become rigid when they try to make a partner with a different temperament align with their own. They’re not likely to do this in an aggressive or assertive manner, but they may telegraph their intolerance for anything other than their own style in a passive way. Whether Defender personalities discuss their expectations with their partner or not, those expectations will likely be present all the same.
Executive (ESTJ)
- Healthy: For an Executive in love, healthy boundaries allow them to be honest with their partner while keeping an eye on their significant other’s feelings. Executive personality types will respect their partner’s independent thoughts and ideas. A healthy boundary would likely involve an Executive who is willing to compromise and consider their partner’s input.
- Porous: Executives with porous boundaries require control over everything in their relationship. Every opinion comes without much thought about the opinions or needs of their partner. As a result, every expression may be something of an imperative, and it may appear as though they are trying to rob their significant other of their power.
- Rigid: The rallying cry for Executives with rigid boundaries may be, “I’ve got this.” But such a declaration is more than an expression of confidence here. The assertion is more of a cry of exclusive control that might leave their partner with a sense of being irrelevant and underappreciated.
Consul (ESFJ)
- Healthy: Consuls are the personality type most likely to seek a long-term commitment. A healthy boundary would be honoring Consuls’ need for stability with the person they love while not overwhelming that person with affection and attention. Despite their need for closeness, Consuls can remain individuals and allow the person they love the same latitude.
- Porous: Consuls may have porous boundaries when everything becomes about the object of the Consul’s love, to the exclusion of their own wants and needs being met. Taken to the extreme, their boundaries may virtually disappear in a misguided attempt to nail down a permanent link with their partner.
- 僵化：对于执政官型的人来说，当他们对承诺的需求变成对控制的需求时，可能会出现僵化的界限，而他们的动机过多地涉及确保他们和他们的另一半保持在一起。他们可能会试图以一种压力和固执的方式来维系他们的关系，而不是让关系自然发展。
探索者性格类型
艺术大师（ISTP）
- 来说，健康的界限可能意味着坚定地专注于自己关心的事情。但界限明确的 Virtuos 人格可以控制自己更自我放纵的冲动，以保持对另一半的承诺。他们足够灵活，不会让自己的伴侣独自待太久，而自己追求自己的兴趣。
- 当 Virtuosos 的无聊需求占了上风时，界限模糊的现象就很可能会表现出来。他们自己的利益可能会决定他们的行为，而不是与伴侣达成的共识。
- 根据我们的研究，艺术大师是最不可能说他们习惯于照顾他人以至于忘记自己的需求的性格类型。对于艺术大师来说，僵化可能意味着巩固自己的界限，只照顾自己，而将另一半排除在外。在有这种界限的关系中，关心主要是自我照顾。
冒险家（ISFP）
- 可以坚持自己的决定和冲突。在这种互动中，定义他们的需求和需要的界限决定了他们的自主性，他们的自我怀疑被控制得足够多，不会成为决定性因素。尽管如此，他们仍然可以自由地探索他们与伴侣之间的任何敏感性，而不会让他们的恐惧成为所有讨论的中心话题。
- 正如我们在健康界限部分所指出的，界限更漏洞百出的冒险者往往会将自尊问题渗透到与伴侣相处的太多方面。坦诚面对自我怀疑很重要，但当这种讨论变得无休止时，它们可能会占据主导地位并取代其他有益的互动。
- 僵化的界限可能会让冒险者的敏感度占主导地位，以至于这些性格的人害怕向伴侣坦诚。冒险者更有可能封闭自己，不与这样的界限分享，让他们的另一半对冒险者经历的许多方面感到疑惑。
企业家（ESTP）
- 性格类型认为自己是大胆的冒险者。当他们在恋爱关系中拥有健康的界限时，他们可以发挥走出去尝试新事物的需要。但他们也会平衡这种需要与伴侣的需求。他们愿意让爱人分享他们的兴奋，但不会要求他们这样做。这些企业家将他们的关系作为他们不断变化的行列中的最高优先事项之一。
- 在我们的研究中，企业家比其他任何性格类型的人都更容易冲动，对无聊的容忍度也较低。对他们来说，漏洞百出的界限可能是指他们无法控制这些特质，因此，即使他们的伴侣（和生活）可能需要更常规、更稳定的东西，他们也会追求更新颖、更自发的东西。
- 企业家往往沉迷于大胆、新颖和令人兴奋的事物。他们如此沉迷于这些闪亮的事物，可能会以某种形式向伴侣投射这些事物的重要性，“这对我来说很重要。所以要么听我的，要么滚蛋。”当然，这会让他们的伴侣置身事外，在关系中感觉不到权力。
艺人（ESFP）
- 通常认为自己很慷慨。例如，他们是最不可能说不喜欢借东西给别人的性格类型。在一段关系中，对他们来说，健康的界限可能涉及平衡自我概念和自身需求。界限调整得当的艺人会向伴侣表达他们的慷慨天性，而不会落入取悦他人的陷阱。
- 具有多孔边界的娱乐者的关键词可能是“取悦他人”。他们可能觉得自己的身份和价值与他们能给予他人的东西有关。他们的边界可能没有足够的私利。虽然这听起来很高尚，但当两个人的需求得到足够的满足时，浪漫关系更有希望。
- 固执地付出太多是不是一种现象？对于娱乐型性格的人来说，僵化的界限可能让他们的伴侣无法经常表现得宽宏大量。如果娱乐型性格的人坚持一种自我概念和价值观，认为他们是带来所有礼物和美好时光的人，那么这种情况可能尤其如此。
打开和关闭大门
“别
为了取悦我而改变自己，
您从来没有让我失望过……”
健康界限的价值并不在于将他人排除在自己的生活之外——尤其是当这个人是与您最亲密的人时。这种想法是消极、僵化的做法。它更多的是保留每个人在关系中带来的个性。它继续珍惜每个人独特的个性，无论大小，以及当每个伴侣最终意识到他们相爱时火花四溅的情感。
界限是指一方坚持将他们生活中的某些领域保留为他们自己所有并定义他们的东西。爱定义另一方的东西是浪漫的一部分。
在恋爱关系中让对方做自己，可能是对伴侣能做出的最慷慨的行为之一。
进一步阅读
- 烦恼、困扰和恋爱：性格特征和烦恼
- 您给爱情带来的那件事
- 5 种性格各异的夫妻——以及他们如何相处
- 如何根据性格类型保持激情
- 要了解更多关于如何处理恋爱关系的见解，请尝试我们的高级关系工具和评估。